"It has," might as well rip off that band-aid, "but the same time I'm very
much aware that it shouldn't. I know the whole meaning of this is for
you to be fulfilled in ways I can't provide, and it makes perfect sense
that you would go to someone who has that sort of...energy."
"Nobody with any sense would say that," Elijah says crisply, and moves on.
"I can only assume I feel this way because this is one of the few
experiences I've invited myself into where I have some serious
shortcomings."
"Elijah." Rhys says flatly, "You're a total babe for saying it, but no one in their right mind would look at this situation and come away from it feeling like my motivations are normal and healthy, or that your reaction to this is weird."
"Some of it was just-- rhythm. He has this kind of, push and pull energy. He's making jokes, then he's trying to provoke you, then he's upset, then he's hitting on you, then he's making jokes again. It felt very--"
Rhys pauses, trying to think of how to put this,
"I don't know. I responded to it. It was fun. And kind of hot? Like, I thought I could imagine what it'd be like to go to bed with him. I knew it'd be-- weird. And maybe kind of uncomfortable, and maybe too much. And if I came early, or said something stupid, or-- I don't know, fucked it up, it just wouldn't matter because it would be so weird anyway. And he'd just have a good time either way."
Those were probably the initial reasons. They've multiplied though. Grown in the warm dark damp between too bodies. Rhys scratches his neck, watching Elijah's expression.
"I'm not sure-- how much you want to know. Is it helping?"
Rhys smiles, and reaches out to caress Elijah's shoulder.
"I have been trying to look cool in front of you since the day we met, dude. I know you're-- I know it's fine, but I don't know if I can turn that off."
"Yeah, well I know that now. But I wanted-- I don't know. You probably never felt like this with anyone - but I was so impressed by you, I always wanted--"
He trails off a little, then laughs.
"I wanted you to really want me back, and not just go along with me because we were trapped in space together and I was super available."
He's not worried that this is the reason they're together now, but he's pretty sure that is the reason they were together at first.
"I guess after you blew out Quentin's eye, when it was really obvious you weren't okay, I figured-- you must have liked me a bit, or you definitely would have ditched me for real."
But would he? Rhys was the one with the keys to the cybernetics lab. He always tried to express that access to it wasn't dependent on their personal relationship, but--
Ugh. Warden / inmate relationships. Good and confusing.
"Well, I knew you liked me..." Rhys says, wheeling back a little, the sudden, creeping feeling on the back of his neck, "I mean, we were working together, we got on well--"
But he's never been able to read Elijah, and the other man isn't much of an oversharer.
"But until I was in a crisis situation, you...believed I was only
interested in you for what you could offer me. Lab partners with benefits,
so to speak."
He doesn't sound hurt; he doesn't really sound anything.
"It's okay. It wasn't-- I mean, I was okay with it. I didn't mind liking you more than you liked me."
And he got used to the idea that he was never going to get Elijah to feel the way he did, and that was okay too.
"I guess that's kind of it. I knew if you were free you wouldn't have chosen to have this kind of relationship, and you probably wouldn't have chosen to have it with me."
"Sorry." Rhys offers, a little uncomfortable, "I didn't mean to assume anything, but-- I mean, I also--"
He pauses, then presses ahead. He hasn't just been living in a weird insecure delusion here,
"I don't... I mean, it's not like anything changed. It's not like you gave me a sign or you ever said anything about it. Even when I asked you if we were boyfriends, you kinda framed it as being something I wanted, and that you didn't mind going along with."
Rhys hesitates, because wow that really sounded like aggressive nagging, and he doesn't want to make Elijah feel guilty.
"It didn't upset me or anything. I just took it for what it was. I knew we were friends, and I knew you liked me enough. I just wasn't going to expect something from you that you never seemed like you wanted. "
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 04:45 pm (UTC)"It has," might as well rip off that band-aid, "but the same time I'm very much aware that it shouldn't. I know the whole meaning of this is for you to be fulfilled in ways I can't provide, and it makes perfect sense that you would go to someone who has that sort of...energy."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 04:47 pm (UTC)Rhys points out, gently.
"Do you know why it's bothering you, or is it just a weird feeling?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 04:53 pm (UTC)"Nobody with any sense would say that," Elijah says crisply, and moves on. "I can only assume I feel this way because this is one of the few experiences I've invited myself into where I have some serious shortcomings."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 05:08 pm (UTC)"And-- what kind of shortcomings do you mean?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 05:16 pm (UTC)"I mean..."
He frowns at the wall.
"Perhaps it would help for you to talk me through it. Your motivations behind this decision."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 05:36 pm (UTC)"Some of it was just-- rhythm. He has this kind of, push and pull energy. He's making jokes, then he's trying to provoke you, then he's upset, then he's hitting on you, then he's making jokes again. It felt very--"
Rhys pauses, trying to think of how to put this,
"I don't know. I responded to it. It was fun. And kind of hot? Like, I thought I could imagine what it'd be like to go to bed with him. I knew it'd be-- weird. And maybe kind of uncomfortable, and maybe too much. And if I came early, or said something stupid, or-- I don't know, fucked it up, it just wouldn't matter because it would be so weird anyway. And he'd just have a good time either way."
Those were probably the initial reasons. They've multiplied though. Grown in the warm dark damp between too bodies. Rhys scratches his neck, watching Elijah's expression.
"I'm not sure-- how much you want to know. Is it helping?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 05:41 pm (UTC)"...Yes."
Although he's wearing the Completely Implacable Expression that served him well through his more controversial board meetings.
"Although you do realize that none of those things would matter with me either."
Has he been giving Rhys performance anxiety without even knowing?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 05:55 pm (UTC)"I have been trying to look cool in front of you since the day we met, dude. I know you're-- I know it's fine, but I don't know if I can turn that off."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 06:13 pm (UTC)Elijah glances down at Rhys' hand.
"Rhys, would it help if I mentioned that I have never once been good at noticing 'cool'?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 06:26 pm (UTC)He trails off a little, then laughs.
"I wanted you to really want me back, and not just go along with me because we were trapped in space together and I was super available."
He's not worried that this is the reason they're together now, but he's pretty sure that is the reason they were together at first.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:00 pm (UTC)"Is..."
No.
"How long did you spend thinking that was the case?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:09 pm (UTC)He offers, thoughtfully.
"I guess after you blew out Quentin's eye, when it was really obvious you weren't okay, I figured-- you must have liked me a bit, or you definitely would have ditched me for real."
But would he? Rhys was the one with the keys to the cybernetics lab. He always tried to express that access to it wasn't dependent on their personal relationship, but--
Ugh. Warden / inmate relationships. Good and confusing.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:11 pm (UTC)Elijah is very quiet for a while.
"You spent that long thinking we were in a relationship of convenience?"
No wonder he wants to see other people.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:19 pm (UTC)But he's never been able to read Elijah, and the other man isn't much of an oversharer.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:34 pm (UTC)"But until I was in a crisis situation, you...believed I was only interested in you for what you could offer me. Lab partners with benefits, so to speak."
He doesn't sound hurt; he doesn't really sound anything.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:44 pm (UTC)It's hard to protest.
"I didn't think it in a bad way. I just-- I mean, I came on super strong, and you... you just sort of let me."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:48 pm (UTC)That's hard to dispute.
"I didn't know what else to do. You're the first person I've really...been with like this."
The confession feels ashen on his tongue, but. It's out there now.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:58 pm (UTC)And he got used to the idea that he was never going to get Elijah to feel the way he did, and that was okay too.
"I guess that's kind of it. I knew if you were free you wouldn't have chosen to have this kind of relationship, and you probably wouldn't have chosen to have it with me."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 08:16 pm (UTC)"That may be true. But here or anywhere else, I wouldn't have continued it for months simply because it was...available."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 10:19 pm (UTC)He pauses, then presses ahead. He hasn't just been living in a weird insecure delusion here,
"I don't... I mean, it's not like anything changed. It's not like you gave me a sign or you ever said anything about it. Even when I asked you if we were boyfriends, you kinda framed it as being something I wanted, and that you didn't mind going along with."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 10:38 pm (UTC)"I..."
Can't possibly reframe that without being the worst variety of gaslighting asshole.
"I'm sorry. I can see how that would have made you feel...unvalued."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 10:44 pm (UTC)Rhys hesitates, because wow that really sounded like aggressive nagging, and he doesn't want to make Elijah feel guilty.
"It didn't upset me or anything. I just took it for what it was. I knew we were friends, and I knew you liked me enough. I just wasn't going to expect something from you that you never seemed like you wanted. "
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 10:47 pm (UTC)"I see."
He stares down at his lap and quietly hates Quentin for having a point.
"Then I should make explicit that it has not been a matter of convenience or availability for...some time. For me. However poorly I articulate that."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 10:56 pm (UTC)What does he say to that? Thank you? Does he say that he did eventually figure it out? Sort of?
Now it's Rhys's turn to stare at Elijah's shoulder, frowning.
"I'm-- I mean, I'm really glad. I guess I just-- I don't know how far back I should be trying to re-figure-out where we've been with this..."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-13 08:00 am (UTC)"That - probably isn't necessary," he suggests. "I don't see the point of going back and recontextualising our entire relationship so far."
Look, he used the R word!
"I think it simply serves us better to know where we are now, and into...into the future."
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