"Yeah, well I know that now. But I wanted-- I don't know. You probably never felt like this with anyone - but I was so impressed by you, I always wanted--"
He trails off a little, then laughs.
"I wanted you to really want me back, and not just go along with me because we were trapped in space together and I was super available."
He's not worried that this is the reason they're together now, but he's pretty sure that is the reason they were together at first.
"I guess after you blew out Quentin's eye, when it was really obvious you weren't okay, I figured-- you must have liked me a bit, or you definitely would have ditched me for real."
But would he? Rhys was the one with the keys to the cybernetics lab. He always tried to express that access to it wasn't dependent on their personal relationship, but--
Ugh. Warden / inmate relationships. Good and confusing.
"Well, I knew you liked me..." Rhys says, wheeling back a little, the sudden, creeping feeling on the back of his neck, "I mean, we were working together, we got on well--"
But he's never been able to read Elijah, and the other man isn't much of an oversharer.
"But until I was in a crisis situation, you...believed I was only
interested in you for what you could offer me. Lab partners with benefits,
so to speak."
He doesn't sound hurt; he doesn't really sound anything.
"It's okay. It wasn't-- I mean, I was okay with it. I didn't mind liking you more than you liked me."
And he got used to the idea that he was never going to get Elijah to feel the way he did, and that was okay too.
"I guess that's kind of it. I knew if you were free you wouldn't have chosen to have this kind of relationship, and you probably wouldn't have chosen to have it with me."
"Sorry." Rhys offers, a little uncomfortable, "I didn't mean to assume anything, but-- I mean, I also--"
He pauses, then presses ahead. He hasn't just been living in a weird insecure delusion here,
"I don't... I mean, it's not like anything changed. It's not like you gave me a sign or you ever said anything about it. Even when I asked you if we were boyfriends, you kinda framed it as being something I wanted, and that you didn't mind going along with."
Rhys hesitates, because wow that really sounded like aggressive nagging, and he doesn't want to make Elijah feel guilty.
"It didn't upset me or anything. I just took it for what it was. I knew we were friends, and I knew you liked me enough. I just wasn't going to expect something from you that you never seemed like you wanted. "
"And thank you for bringing it up and telling me."
He studies Elijah's shoulder again, thoughtfully, for a moment.
"I guess if I'm honest that was another reason why I went with him. His hair literally changes colour with his feelings. I was never going to have to try and guess how he felt about anything."
Very very different from being in a relationship for a year and a half before you realise that the other half of it actually likes you back.
"I'm sorry." Says Rhys, just as quickly, "I don't want you to feel insecure, and I don't think any of this makes you juvenile. Uncomfortable probably comes with the territory of talking about feelings though."
"I know, but I still don't want you to feel insecure about the things we're talking about."
Rhys offers, sincerely,
"I guess I figured that if there was something about this you wouldn't like, it'd just be that I was-- y'know, putting myself somewhere gross. Not that it said anything about you or your shortfalls or anything like that."
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He trails off a little, then laughs.
"I wanted you to really want me back, and not just go along with me because we were trapped in space together and I was super available."
He's not worried that this is the reason they're together now, but he's pretty sure that is the reason they were together at first.
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"Is..."
No.
"How long did you spend thinking that was the case?"
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He offers, thoughtfully.
"I guess after you blew out Quentin's eye, when it was really obvious you weren't okay, I figured-- you must have liked me a bit, or you definitely would have ditched me for real."
But would he? Rhys was the one with the keys to the cybernetics lab. He always tried to express that access to it wasn't dependent on their personal relationship, but--
Ugh. Warden / inmate relationships. Good and confusing.
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Elijah is very quiet for a while.
"You spent that long thinking we were in a relationship of convenience?"
No wonder he wants to see other people.
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But he's never been able to read Elijah, and the other man isn't much of an oversharer.
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"But until I was in a crisis situation, you...believed I was only interested in you for what you could offer me. Lab partners with benefits, so to speak."
He doesn't sound hurt; he doesn't really sound anything.
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It's hard to protest.
"I didn't think it in a bad way. I just-- I mean, I came on super strong, and you... you just sort of let me."
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That's hard to dispute.
"I didn't know what else to do. You're the first person I've really...been with like this."
The confession feels ashen on his tongue, but. It's out there now.
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And he got used to the idea that he was never going to get Elijah to feel the way he did, and that was okay too.
"I guess that's kind of it. I knew if you were free you wouldn't have chosen to have this kind of relationship, and you probably wouldn't have chosen to have it with me."
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"That may be true. But here or anywhere else, I wouldn't have continued it for months simply because it was...available."
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He pauses, then presses ahead. He hasn't just been living in a weird insecure delusion here,
"I don't... I mean, it's not like anything changed. It's not like you gave me a sign or you ever said anything about it. Even when I asked you if we were boyfriends, you kinda framed it as being something I wanted, and that you didn't mind going along with."
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"I..."
Can't possibly reframe that without being the worst variety of gaslighting asshole.
"I'm sorry. I can see how that would have made you feel...unvalued."
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Rhys hesitates, because wow that really sounded like aggressive nagging, and he doesn't want to make Elijah feel guilty.
"It didn't upset me or anything. I just took it for what it was. I knew we were friends, and I knew you liked me enough. I just wasn't going to expect something from you that you never seemed like you wanted. "
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"I see."
He stares down at his lap and quietly hates Quentin for having a point.
"Then I should make explicit that it has not been a matter of convenience or availability for...some time. For me. However poorly I articulate that."
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What does he say to that? Thank you? Does he say that he did eventually figure it out? Sort of?
Now it's Rhys's turn to stare at Elijah's shoulder, frowning.
"I'm-- I mean, I'm really glad. I guess I just-- I don't know how far back I should be trying to re-figure-out where we've been with this..."
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"That - probably isn't necessary," he suggests. "I don't see the point of going back and recontextualising our entire relationship so far."
Look, he used the R word!
"I think it simply serves us better to know where we are now, and into...into the future."
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Rhys says, finally,
"And thank you for bringing it up and telling me."
He studies Elijah's shoulder again, thoughtfully, for a moment.
"I guess if I'm honest that was another reason why I went with him. His hair literally changes colour with his feelings. I was never going to have to try and guess how he felt about anything."
Very very different from being in a relationship for a year and a half before you realise that the other half of it actually likes you back.
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"...I assume that's not an intentional use of the past tense."
The Rhys-BJ thing is ongoing, surely?
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Sorry to get your hopes up, he doesn't actually say, but hopes is implied in his tone.
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"No. Of course."
More silence. He doesn't fidget. If anything he's too still.
"I know that I struggle to express how I feel, but I...appreciate being asked. I don't like the idea that I'm forcing you to guess."
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Genuinely hard in it's own way. He's just very accustomed to trying to navigate people by instinct.
"How are you feeling right now?"
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"Insecure, uncomfortable and juvenile," Elijah says immediately. "And...a little better for knowing that these things are being aired."
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He waves it off.
"There's nothing to apologise for. I'm choosing to have this conversation."
And everything that goes with it.
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Rhys offers, sincerely,
"I guess I figured that if there was something about this you wouldn't like, it'd just be that I was-- y'know, putting myself somewhere gross. Not that it said anything about you or your shortfalls or anything like that."
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